Elias was a young boy in the foster system,
taken away from his mother and placed into three temporary foster homes before
settling in, at the age of three, with his foster-to-adopt family. Mrs. Cook,
Elias’ preschool teacher, met the foster family at Open House before school
began. Elias entered the room with bright eyes. He’d never seen so many colors
and shapes and puzzles and play areas all in one place. He went straight for
the play kitchen without so much as an acknowledgement of Mrs. Cook. Despite
Mrs. Cook’s attempts to introduce herself, Elias maintained full focus on the
play kitchen, a behavior that didn’t seem too foreign to the seasoned teacher.
Elias’ foster parents seated themselves around
the table with Elias’ teacher, eager to establish a strong parent/teacher
relationship before the school year began. Background information on the boy
was exchanged; the foster parents deeply yearned for the success of this new
venture. Fostering Elias wasn’t easy, and they were nervous but optimistic
about the school year. As the conference wrapped up, Elias’ foster mom stepped
over to Elias and said with a smile, “All finished here for today. Time to pick
up the toys!”
“You pick ‘em up, ho,” Elias retorted.
Mrs. Cook was taken aback. Elias is three,
and Elias knows the word “ho.” Knows how to use it in a sentence, she
thought. But what stunned her even more than the accurate use of “ho” was the
foster mother’s reaction. She bent down, scooped up the plastic pots and pans,
and returned them to the play kitchen. Elias, all the while, looked on with
indifference. What kind of parent does that?! I would have busted that boy’s
butt right there, Mrs. Cook thought, but thankfully didn’t say. After Elias
was given the opportunity to watch his foster mother do his job, his foster
father picked him up and they exited the room.
“Please pardon my son. I know that his behavior
is unacceptable, but we are working on it.” Working on it how?! You just did
absolutely nothing. “We know that you have class rules and expectations for
behavior, but what we have found is that Elias responds best to affirmation and
encouragement. Punishment seems to categorize us as another person in his life
who uses abuse and mistreatment. Instead of opening old wounds, we choose to
celebrate his good choices with love and more great options. For example, if he
picks up his toys, which he obviously didn’t do today, he gets our cheers. Mrs.
Cook, I know this may seem orthodox, but we would rather Elias be obedient not
because he’s afraid of the consequences but because his obedience leads to growth and joy. It’s a process, and it’s really hard. But we believe in the system,
and we hope you can help us along the way.”
As the foster mom departed, Mrs. Cook slipped back into the chair.
We would rather Elias be obedient not because he’s afraid of the
consequences but because his obedience leads to growth and joy.
At the end of the first month, Elias walked into the room, placed
his lunch in the cubby, and proceeded to his seat. His foster dad bent down,
looked him in the eye, and said, “That was great! I am so proud of you!! You’re
going to have a great day.” He hugged Elias, gave him a wink, tossed his hair,
and left him in Mrs. Cook’s care.
These foster parents got it well before
the professional in the room.
- Ho
- that was all he knew. Some
of our babies come to us with little to no concept of appropriate behavior
because they have not seen appropriate behavior. Sadly, for many children,
school can be one of the only places where order and respect exist.
- Our
natural response to misbehavior is discipline, but it’s not always the
best approach. The
Proverb “Spare the rod; spoil the child” is a teacher favorite. But
discipline can potentially cause kids to associate school with fear and
failure.
- Being a teacher of faith means exercising consistency, love, and patience. What a taxing job it is to maintain a level of consistency, love, and patience to roomful of children each and every day. More taxing, I dare say, than we can manage wholly on our own. As teachers of faith, that must come only with constant prayer and dependence upon God’s strength.
